What a mess

June 26

Oh what a carry on. Not so much of a beautiful game as practising to be butchers and headbangers with a very bad attitude. Yes it was the pitched battle between the Netherlanders who really do seem to have come from the nether regions judging by their bad sportsmanship and cheating and the Portuguese who just lost it and kicked back like Ninja turtles with fur flying everywhere. Dennis came round to watch it with me and he was quite cross at it all and kept shouting about how his PINK card with fluffy laces would sort out some of them ******* poofs good and proper. He was quite keen on ramming one down the throat of Robben who kept up a stream of highwire tumbles and sham agony right from the start. Then he thought ramming it somewhere else would be better if slower.

I sometimes think Dennis takes it all too personally like when the postman gave a letter to his dog because it was snapping at him and cursing and carrying on the way Dennises dogs always do and the dog worried it to confetti and shreds then stamped on it and peed on it too. Dennis called the postman a ******* fascist ******* sod of a ******* ******-******* faggot, which is a sort of rissole and a strange thing to call someone. So the postman said he should keep a savage dog on a chain so Dennis said he was on a chain and must have chewed trough it and the postman said ******** you can't chew through chains and the Dennis said are you calling me a liar and wallop. So he had to go to court, but said very sorry first and promised to keep Satan on a proper chain next time.

It is just that he is very passionate about what he believes in, and mainly that is Fair Play, which is why he keeps savage dogs to make sure other people do Fair Play to him as well, which is how he tells me it is. And it is true that I've never seem him set Satan loose on kids in the sandpit or anything. Actually he is very nice to the kids and helps them with making castles and finding their shoes.
It is only Fair Play that makes Dennis seem so rough and barking all the time.
He had another idea last night while Portugal and Holland were doing the Somme again for us. 'Why doesn't Fifi stop some of these cheating ******* from being allowed to play? He said. The police stop hundreds of other ******* hooligans from a attending, so why don't they do the same with the players? Anyone who has chalked up more than five yellows or one red in the previous six months or whatever should have his ******* passport conferscated and have to report to the police every Saturday while the Cup is on.
So come on Fifi, what do you say to that, even if reporting to the police is a bit too far?

A bit later on he had another idea which is a good one I think. Why don't Fifi start a Fair Play cup which is given to the team who has the least yellows and reds (or PINKS Dennis keeps saying) for each hour they play in the Cup? They should give out the Fair Play Cup just before the World Cup, so everyone can see and get the message. I think it would be good if it was a big dish like the Wimbledon one, so if the Winner is best at Fair Play as well, they would get a cup with a matching saucer which would take up less room on the mantel piece. But Dennis said don't be ******* stupid it's not a ******* cup is it? It’s a trophy like hands holding up the world, not a ******* cup whatso*******ever.
Then he said the Fair Play winners should be automatically allowed through into the next World Cup finals, which would get the filthy ******* to clean up their act really quick.
AND he said the WORST team should either get a Dirty ******** Cup or just be banned from entering the next World Cup at all.
Well what do you think of that Fifi?

I know Dennis is quite rude but I think there are some good ideas there.

Why is it that the England team seem to be better at getting the ball over the net than Tim Henman can? I bet Portugal are quacking in their boots at the idea of playing England next. Dennis says he'll come round to watch it with me, but I don't think I've got the nerves, especially with Dennis. Maybe with angela.

The toast maker isn't buzzing anymore because I hit it in a special place that Dennis showed me. He has his police interview next week but won't say when.

Plus there is a big hole in my mustard and cress in the windowbox. Dennis said it wasn't him.

So hello again Bloggs.

I'm really enjoying the football. Imbluefella used to love it because I was training him to ring his little bell every time there was a goal. 'It's a goal Imbluefella' I shouted and he goes tweet a couple of times and look at me like a lizard, just blinking and shuffling. 'Well go on then, ring the ****** bell' and sometimes he would. I don't usually use bad language in front of him because it's bad for him and he might repeat it in front of visitors like Dennis or Angela or Auntie Ruth, although Dennis wouldn't mind much I don't think.

But sometimes he wouldn't ring his bell even if I did mime for him like the vicar used to heaving up and down on the big rope. Then I would remind him that in arboriginal language 'bujerigar' meads 'quite tasty'.

But anyway, Imbluefella has gone now and is helping to grow the mustard and cress in the windowbox.

So far my favourite game was when Italy and America invaded each other for an hour and a half. It wasn't the blood and violence that I liked because I think we should not have any of that at all, except in the proper time and place, which is war. It was seeing America joining everyone else in playing a proper game instead of their own game of two sets of rhinos barging about and falling over every 3.2 seconds. Then adverts.

And it was good to see Italy who think they are oh so super being held up to dry by Americans of all people.

Actually I think it has been very clean matches more or less. Not nearly as many divings and stimulations as they keep going on about, like when a forward gets within a couple of lengths of the penalty box and suddenly hurtles into the air and falls over three times rolling closer and closer to the goal clutching his ankle and side like a wounded Jesus and grimacing like he was having all his teeth pulled out through his ears and lies there howling to himself and hoping we will all be impressed with how brave he is with all his ribs smashed to jelly. And then sudddenly if the ref ignores him he's back up on his legs and dashing off like a labrador after a moth in the kitchen (which I have seen) and no thought for his terrible injuries.

Dennis had a brilliant idea for all this diving which he sent to Gary Lineker who talked about it on Match of the Day. It is another card, like a yellow card, but PINK and with frilly white lace all the way round the edges. So if someone does deliberate diving, the refereee waves a PINK card with fluffy white lace at the Big Hero who is cheating like a spoilt little girl. Dennis says that it would sort the ******** out overnight because it would make them look like big ******* girls ******* blouses and they wouldn't ******* like that.

He says the PINK card would be the same as a yellow and would be Mix'n'Match, so any two equals a red card and the ******* ******** are hauled off the field for a good ******* slapping in the cells.

I haven't seen Dennis this week and want to ask him how he got on with his interview for joining the police.

So well Bloggs.. what do you think of Dennis's PINK card idea? And the pretty fluffy frills round it? Somehow I don't think Fifi will start using it because it would bring the game into disrepute or something. They would rather have people diving all over the place like Esther Rantzen used to in those old films and getting fair players really annoyed but can't do anything. So I think Fifi should really think about it.

The toaster is pretty good again. It was the lid off the Marmite was stuck in it and melted and the toast got all mangled up with it and tasted horrible. Alright now except a loud buzzing which is annoying.

I do miss Imbluefella much more than I think.

Bye now Bloggs.

World cup coming up...

I've bought in an extra can of Strongbow and a box of fancies but I do feel as though I'm still missing something.
Could it be the 96 inch plasma-coated HD (that's hard-drive, I know that much) wall-mounted back-projecting super screen with i and Red Buttons and all that stuff with scarts and wires?
Or could it be that I don't have anyone to watch Peru thrashing Saudi Arabia with now that Imbluefella the budgie has passed on to chirrup in patures new. Not that budgies know much about pastures, I suppose, more like eucalypso trees and mangoes and so forth. Crocodiles, cookieburrows, sort of thing.
Anyway pretty lonely time of the year to watch a great global event on your own. Never mind. At least now I have 'Bloggs' to talk to which is better than being just me.
Now I can talk to Bloggs and can discuss whether or not that tall thin bloke who moves like a seized-up marrionette when he scores a goal... Crouch.. that's him; anyway was he offside or whatever. I can discuss it with Bloggs. Very good.
Got to end this first message now because the beans are boiling over and I think the toast is jammed down the back of the toastmaker thing and will need the screwdriver to wangle it out again. Must remember to unplug it first this time since the sparks set fire to the dishmop.